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Games of 2015 You shouldn't Miss - Check it out!

Part of the drag of playing video games for a living (yes, there is a downside) is getting phone calls and/or e-mail messages from earnest public relations types desperately trying to drum up some press, any press, for their bad software. These missives range from the humorously uninformed (readers would be amazed at the weird products that are pitched to Daily Radar) to the tragically sad. We all have to do things in our daily routine that we don't enjoy: it's why we call the place we go for eight to 10 hours a day "work" and not "the fun place with free coffee and a better internet connection".


When we receive press releases for a "game" like Rock Band 4, we do begin to wonder what, exactly, some of the professionals on the other side of the phone really think about us. Are we all (meaning both people who write about games and those who play them -- the two don't always go together) a group of socially retarded male misanthropes with a Ninth Grade education (at best) and a total inability to meet or interact with women in reality? We're guessing that Rock Band 4 Crack target market is subhuman mongoloids with a computer (iMac) who're not bright enough to figure out how to download porn from the net on their own. We're also guessing that this same market would be heavy on AOL e-mail addresses (but surely our smart readers from AOL would not be so easily fooled and by no means are we lumping you in with them).


Here's a description of the game; it's so heinously stupid that no editorializing is necessary. "Panty Raider takes gamers to Model Isle where a supermodel photo shoot is taking place. The player is on a mission to photograph specific styles and colors of panties worn by supermodels to satisfy three testosterone-driven teenage aliens and keep them from blowing up the Earth." Yeah, ok. It gets even worse. Basically, the "idea" behind Panty Raider is that players assume the role of a moron helping the aforementioned nasty teenage aliens by taking pictures of specific types of supermodels' underwear. If players don't retrieve enough upskirt shots in time, the twitchy aliens will blow up the earth. Tah-dah! Players are given descriptions of the models and panties they need to shoot and are then transported to the island and equipped with X-ray glasses, credit card lures, clothing disintegrating goop and a quiver full of bad pickup lines. How we wish that we could have made this up ourselves for our console Dream Game.


Panty Raider is insulting to us at Daily Radar on many, many levels, as it should be to our readers. I don't even want to get into how pissed off our female readers should be. Usually, we don't write about low-grade shovelware like this, but Panty Raider seemed to push some particularly sore buttons with us. After all, our readers are gamers and want to read about games, not crap. This is why we don't review, and never will review, budget software, $20 hunting sims or Head Games "Extreme" titles. Sure, we can have fun bashing these utterly defenseless products, but we'd rather take on topics more interesting to the community. Who cares how funny we can be in ripping new sphincters for Rock Band 4?


Who, in their right mind, would even contemplate wasting the precious moments of their life developing a product like this? Why, the same crew who brought you Deer Avenger, the one-joke software that answers the question, "What would happen if Saturday Night Live's most godawful writers were allowed to create a video game?" Of course, no one really asked this question, 'cause no one actually cared to have it answered. Deer Avenger is a goof on the hunting game genre, casting players as a heavily armed buck bent on destruction of the human race. Or something. Anyhoo, no one has actually ever played it, so no one really knows what it's about, any sort of sales figures to the contrary. We figure that the few copies that sold were purchased either as joke gifts or as some form of Dante-ish punishment. Screw rolling a rock halfway up a hill or having a fridge full of brownies but no milk. Imagine being trapped on a desert island with a GeForce-equipped Pentium III 800 with nothing but Deer Avenger to play. Nooooooo ...


When "outsiders" think about video gamers, the word "geek" is usually one of the first words to pop to mind. A product like Panty Raider is nothing but a huge reinforcement of this stereotype. This "game" is obviously the result of either A) an evil corporate drone with little to no understanding of the gaming world, the "Kids like Lara's boobs; let's give 'em even more!" philosophy that has resulted in games like Drakkan and Dead or Alive and Denise Richards or B) drunken late-night humor given a budget and gone horribly, horribly awry, the kind of scheme usually proceeded by the slurred proclamation of "I've got a great idea" at 3 o'clock in the morning. Regardless of the identity of the person or group responsible, we'd like to humbly request that they never produce another video game again.


Sure, Daily Radar makes its fair share of porn and hot babe jokes -- one needs look no further than our own "Guns, Girls and Gore" ads that are of questionable taste -- but does this translate to a reality of not being able to get dates or attract women outside of "Who Here Is Naked!?!?" chat rooms? Negative. While we're just as quick to make disparaging jokes about albino apartment gamers whose only contact with society is limited to the complex social interactions of Usenet ("You suck!", "No, you suck!") or an evening rendezvous with the pizza guy, we crack these jokes with love and a sorta wry, Alanis irony. We don't believe that our readers are this pathetic any more than we believe that we are. After all, Daily Radar is filled with the hardest of hardcore, yet we seem to be able to successfully mingle with society without too much difficulty.


Daily Radar has no problems with risque humor or half-naked women; anyone who's ever taken a look at the Daily Peep Show has figured that out by now. Duke Nukem 3D had lots of strippers; it was rad. Lara, of course, has a huge rack; we've pretty much learned to deal with that over the years, except for the occasional schoolboy tittering (pun definitely intended). Hell, even the Leisure Suit Larry games were amusing in their zany, tongue-in-cheek way. Please don't accuse us of not getting the joke of Panty Raider or of being politically correct zealots. We're as PC as Panty Raider is funny: not at all.